What If Self Love Isn’t Safe?
Yesterday, with the support of a mushroom, I went on a profound inner journey. I became intimately aware of a strong internal polarization — between a rebellious, angry young teenager part, and a controlling, managerial part that’s always trying to fix.
The rebel holds immense destructive force. For him, life feels like a fight for survival — it's kill or be killed. He doesn’t trust that he is lovable just as he is, and he has a lot of evidence to back that up. His anger wasn’t welcomed when it first arose. It had to be dissociated. Now he is highly attuned to any signal that he is being made wrong — and when that’s sensed, he is quick to attack back. He’s reactive. And he can’t be managed, not for long.
Still, the controlling part keeps trying. It wants to manage and take care — perhaps out of fear, perhaps out of habit. But that never really works. For example, when the rebel smokes to numb the pain of hopelessness and despair, the manager might try to stop it. That might last for a while. But eventually, the rebel’s anger builds, and it surfaces — often in the form of relapse. Even with things like self-regulation, which certainly has value, there’s a risk that it becomes just another form of controlling.
This has made me reflect more deeply on how we sometimes frame Self Love — particularly the idea that it’s about “taking care.” If “care” is coming from a controlling place — even if it seems healthy — it’s still not honoring the full internal system. It’s subtle but important.
And this might be one reason addiction is so stubborn. When a part of us is being controlled rather than seen, it pushes back. The rebel part wants agency — and it fights for that, no matter the cost.
On this journey, I also connected with something much larger: the sense that this deep belief in unlovability — this wound — is connected to the cause of wars in the world. A collective version of what happens inside.
So what is the way forward?
For me, it’s about slowly building the capacity to come from Self-energy. I don’t take on the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model fully, but I appreciate how it frames Self through the 8 Cs: Calm, Clarity, Compassion, Confidence, Creativity, Courage, Connectedness, and Curiosity.
To me, Self-energy feels like a space of infinite presence and love — not control.
And I notice: I’m not always in that place. There’s a spectrum. It’s rarely 0 or 100. So part of the journey becomes noticing: how much Self is here right now? And how do I come closer to that energy — not to fix, but to meet what’s here?
Even that brings tension. The act of “getting there” can itself feel like fixing. That’s something I’m sitting with — how to approach this from a place that honors all parts, rather than trying to override them.
One thing that stood out clearly yesterday: the rebel doesn’t want to be seen by me. He doesn’t trust my Self-energy either. And I can feel that he has good reasons not to trust it. So I’m not pushing. But I do feel a deep longing to earn his trust — not with words or intentions, but by continually meeting him as he is.
Not to change him. Just to see him. This is true Self Love.
If you feel moved, reach out. Let’s explore.
