Embracing the Existential Fear

I’ve spent most of my life reacting to fear in all the usual ways — running from it, numbing it, turning towards anger, or collapsing under its weight.

In the last couple of years, through the practice of Transformational Connection, I’ve begun to allow more and more of my fear to be experienced — a kind of somatic welcoming that seems to transform fear into empowerment, love, even joy. It feels easier to move toward fear when I'm in connection with another.

I knew conceptually that all fears lead back to the same root — the existential dread of death, ego dissolution, and the fear of not surviving. But I hadn’t, until recently, experienced this fear in its pure form — intimately, fully. I want to share that experience.

It happened in a men’s circle — a space that felt sacred and safe, even as a lot of tension was bubbling beneath the surface. In connection with one man, I felt my space invaded by his anger. I responded with anger of my own — I set a boundary. That felt good in one way, but also incomplete. It didn’t lead to deeper connection with him… or with myself.

Later, I moved around the space and stood beside a couple of men who were connected — shoulder to shoulder, feet shaking, but grounded. While standing with them, I felt a different kind of courage arise. I tuned into another frequency inside me: fear. The sense of unsafety in that earlier connection. The fear of being overpowered, dominated… killed. This time, I didn’t fight or collapse.

I surrendered.

I walked toward the embodiment of that fear, choosing to face it — while being held by something greater.

Shaking, heart pounding… I moved toward it.

And I felt a connection to something higher. I offered myself — not to die, but to surrender, to dissolve. To stop protecting myself from life.

I felt my being dismember, disintegrate, dissolve.

And in that offering, I didn’t disappear.

At first, I didn’t fully understand what had happened. I was still immersed in the intensity of the circle. But soon after, I entered a brief meditation — and suddenly dropped into a place of non-dual awareness. Peace. Oneness. All survival instinct seemed to quiet, soften, dissolve. My body was completely at ease. There was so much love — for everything.

Later, I found myself in a shared space inviting spontaneous performance. Even as I write this now, I can feel that familiar fear in my belly — fear of being seen, judged, humiliated. But that night, none of it was there. I just went for it. When the moment came, I danced with Chloe’s singing, without collapsing into shame afterward.

The next day, my survival instinct returned — as it does. But something had changed. What seems to be integrating is a deeper willingness to turn toward fear. To go into it, not around it — as part of my human path, and my spiritual one.

This upcoming journey, Embracing the Existential Fear, is an invitation to meet each other there — in that place. To walk toward what we usually avoid, and to discover what might be waiting on the other side.

Held in Embodiment, Awareness, and Connection.